Love and Happiness?

So you thought marriage was going to be blissful? Marriage is only blissful in the movies. That’s why you always see everything up to the wedding day. You see, directors don’t delve into the intricacies of marriage because it’s not blissful. In fact, if you think that you marriage will be blissful from the start, you have set yourself up. Don’t get my wrong. Marriage has blissful moments, but to expect the entire marriage to feel the way it did while you two were just dating is a trap that many couples have fallen into.

For starters, marriage is a commitment. A lifelong commitment. A commitment to be taken so seriously that the government has to get involved in get out of it. Think about that. The. Gov-ern-Ment. It’s a commitment that when he undoubtedly starts to rattle your nerves with incessant stories of work, sports, or what’s for dinner that you will remain faithful, loving, honoring, and cherishing him. There will be days when he makes you so mad that you want to punch his lights out. But you don’t because that is neither love, honor, nor cherish. It’s a commitment that you will work through the same conversation of housework, bills, careers, children, and how many times you have to ask him to get his socks off the floor.

Which brings me to my next point. There will be days when you have to clearly define for him that you are his wife and not his mother. There will be days when you have to tell yourself that. Undoubtedly, the first time that it happens, where you have to provide a little more loving affection because he’s sick or down or something isn’t going his way, you’ll take that on without a second thought. The 105th time however, you’re more likely to want to tell him to “buck up buttercup” because you’ve got stuff to do too. This declaration of yours may or may not lead to an argument. He doesn’t understand how you can be so cruel and you can’t understand how he can be so whiny.

This will undoubtedly take you back to the memories of dating and trying to remember when you’ve ever seen him like this. And the truth is that you’ve never seen him like this and he’s never seen you like this. When you’re dating, you don’t have to spend all of your time with them. Now that you’re married, there’s nowhere for either of you to hide. He’s going to do what he would do if his mother was taken care of him. You will do your best, but eventually tire because you are not his mother. The first time that it happens, it will scare you. Thoughts such as “how could I be so wrong” and “are we really right for each other?”

Now because there is a conflict that neither of you have ever had to deal with before, your own individual fight or flight will kick in.

Now, don’t be surprised if you have different conflict resolution skills. When you were dating, you probably agreed that you can get through everything as long as you communicate with each other.

Suddenly, there is either no communication or one-sided communication.

This is scary. Why aren’t we talking to each other? How can we be together forever if we can’t even have s civil conversation?

Truth be told, it is scary. You want to resolve the conflict and he doesn’t seem to or vice versa. Unmanaged stress begins to seep deep into the relationship. That can look like anything from substance abuse to infidelity and back again. I know what you’re thinking. Not my baby! You exclaim to yourself, but yes dear, everyone’s baby. Maybe the unmanaged stress isn’t as drastic as that. Maybe he starts working late. Maybe you spend more time at the gym. Maybe your dinner conversations run stale. Maybe you only have sex a couple of times a year now. However it manifests, unmanaged stress seeps in and it is not pretty and certainly not blissful.

Seemingly out of the blue, instead of starry eyed lovers, you’re now strangers. You had no idea that he was capable of being so cruel. You had no idea that so were you. While dating, you never imagined they you would say some of the ugliest, most hurtful things to each other that have been exchanged during the course of your marriage. Again, you’re taken back to the thoughts, “how could I have been so wrong?”

That twinkle in his eye has long been extinguished and you begin to wonder where did it go? Unbridled jealousy and suspicion creep in to what used to be your sanctity. Your mind is relentless. Sleep evades you. Depending on how things have transpired between the two of you, there may or may not be a conversation had. The results of the conversation may seem inconclusive to either one or both of you.

Now you’ve entered the opaque zone. I call it that because of the murky, gray cloud that has clouded your marriage. There doesn’t seem to be an end in sight for all of this fighting or lack there of. Depending on your relationship, the zone can last for several minutes to several years. I heard you scream. “Years?!?” Yes, dear. Years.

Remember back to the beginning, where we determined that marriage is a commitment. Because it is just that, you will undoubtedly fight for your marriage and endure all kinds of things that you thought that you would never have to or should not have to. Alas, here you are.

The opaque zone is tricky because life goes on. You still hug and kiss, maybe have sex, and make plans together, but there is an ever looming sense of uncertainty that neither of you really knows how to navigate. Because things have changed. Actions that you used to complete without thinking about, you now second guess. What used to be an easy going love affair now feels like work.

I know what you’re thinking. Marriage shouldn’t be work. But it is. Remember we’re talking about a commitment to this other person. Remember your wedding vows? You thought they were cute words to say and probably gladly recited them. But really look at them. They’re warnings. For better or worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and health. They’re in there because every married person before you knows that it is impossible to continue on the same trajectory that brought you to the altar. That is the reason for the vows. A little reminder that sometimes you’ll have to buck yourself up, buttercup. Pull your boot straps and get ready to wade through the murky waters of the opaque zone.

Now that you’re in the opaque zone, there are a couple of things that you need to know. Number one – there is no definitive amount of time in which you will be in the trenches. I know you probably want it to be over as soon as possible. It won’t be. Prepare yourself. Now is the time to dive back into your own hobbies, and your relationship with God. You’re going to need Him to get through it. Number two – prepare for the times where you will want to talk and he won’t or vice versa while in the opaque zone. You may not wind up at the end zone at the same time and that is ok. It is crucial that you remain patient during this stage. If he needs space, then give it to him and if you need space, then take it. Number three – there’s going to be an indiscernible awkwardness and discomfort in your interactions while you’re alone together. Don’t freak out. You’re both just processing in your own way. Don’t rush to change it. Embrace it. Because this means that processing, and inevitably, change is on the horizon. From personal experience, this is much harder said than done. I get it. You don’t want your home to become this quiet war zone. You want peace in your house. That is a normal desire and you’re not silly to want it.

At times, this strange new feeling will hurt because you never thought it could be this way. At other times, it may make you so angry that you don’t know what else to do. Whatever feelings that come, just know that they are normal reactions to new circumstances. During this awkward phase, you both may desire to spend more time outside of the house and/or doing your own thing. This is not a bad thing. Just ensure that the time spent apart is making way for a reconciliation. But don’t be upset about wanting or enjoying the alone time.

I know the idea of enjoying this time seems counter cultural. The world wants you to fix it and fix it now. You want to fix and fix it now. You have to remember that this is a commitment. It’s not a sprint, but a marathon. Occasionally, you’re going to have to take a break, switch it up, do things differently. Rome wasn’t built in a day and you’re not likely to get out of the opaque zone in that time frame either.

During this time, you may ask do everything from questioning the validity of your marriage to your ability to choose s suitable mate. All of that’s normal and okay. You’re not crazy. You made the best decision that you could with the information that you had. Had you known things would be this way, you probably would have chosen differently. But you didn’t. No sense dwelling in the past.

Especially since it’s behind you. You can’t move forward if you keep looking backwards. Gather up the lessons that you’ve learned and take those stumbling blocks of tragedy and turn them into the cornerstones of triumph.